Meaning of life~~

I chatted with JJ till 4am this morning. He is in Sarawak now. We talked about our future. He is going to be a good programmer, I know that. Then we talked about working experience. He has no working experience at all so he is quite worried of working in future. He said he needs to learn a lot from me. Haha.... He thinks too high of me. I spent some time think about this before I fell asleep. Well, I can list down my jobs before:

• shopkeeper(Form 3)
• factory girl(after PMR)
• tuition teacher(Form4)
• Finance Clerk(after SPM)
• sales assistant(Form 6)
• promoter(after STPM)
• tuition teacher and events organizer (before UM)
• waitress + chef (last holiday)

Whoa~~~ Can't believe that I have so many working experience in different fields. Well, I think that all of these do help in my life. I become more independent and sensible. Actually I enjoy the times when I can earn my own money and live all by my own. That gives me a sense of independent and the real meaning of life.

Well, I have to admit that my family background is not so good. That is the main reason why I started to work part time in Form 3. After my dad's accident, he is older and weaker. So, I have to share the family burden. But at times, I have to sacrifice my study and also, I have less time with my friends. But, I am glad that I can survive till now.

Sylvia once told me that SY said that I am smart and intelligent. But just lack of hard work. Yea... Till now I still admit that I am a bit lazy. But why? I did think about this also. When in primary school, I was the top student in my class. I was in the first place in every exam. And of course I have won many prizes in all kind of intra-school or inter-school competitions. But sometimes I was quite sad and discontented, because my parents did not give me any rewards or praise me for my effort.

Well, in my family, none of my uncles, aunties or cousins achieved higher education after secondary schools. Only cousin Jessie did well in ACCA and she is an accountant now. There is no study cultural around me. When I was small, I worked hard to draw attention from my parents because I always felt that they were more concern about my two little brothers. When in secondary school, I started to give up on myself since there is no difference of work hard or not work hard. I am lack of motivation. Both extrinsic motivation and intrinsic motivation. I am tired of working hard without getting any rewards. All I need is just some appreciation. A little bit of praise is already more than enough. But... Nobody ever understand me...

Since then, I gave up of working hard to achieve best results. Since 100% is A, 80% is also an A. Why should I work so hard?? I do not think that good achievement in academic is important. The times after SPM, that was my time of rebelion. I was working in JB, far from my home. I was just like a bird flying out from the cage. So free without control by my parents. I spent my time after work at pubs and discos. I learned to smoke and drink. Maybe it was just some actions to show my discontent to my life.

I nearly gave up my study during Form 6. All of my friends are so clear of what to do in their future. But I cannot see mine... It was Uncle who pulled me back to the correct way. He said, "You are still young, and you still do not know what is suitable for you. Why not learn more so that you will have more choices. It never harm you to gain more knowledge and qualifications." Well, he is always my best advisor to turn to whenever I have problems. I am lucky enough for having such an encouraging friend. Though I continue with my Form 6. But there was a dramatic change in my attitude. Study is no more a serious matter to me. It is sometimes meaningless to me. I can say that I went to school just to meet my best pals Diana, CY and WS. I skipped class until Pn Yuhanis and Pn Hamidah were so headache with me. At the same time, I did not attend any tuition class or try to improve my study but I worked part-time at a souvenier shop. As a result of not study hard, I scored bad in STPM.

It was the USM incident made me realised that actually my parents appreciate and proud of my achievement. They were so sad and angry when I was kicked out from the course offered as in the offer letter on some stupid "technical problem" excuse. I was feeling down that time. All my friends were doing well in universities or colleges. But I have no way to go. Is it a retribution for my passive attitude in study?? Well... I deserved it!!!

Then I taught tuition at LOVE station. Life Optimization Via Education. A really meaningful name... That made some changes in me. I discovered my interest in teaching. I realised that I am not good enough to be a teacher with my qualification and I ought to do something to upgrade myself. My employees think highly of me. I miss the time working there. I can teach 3 different classes continuously from 10am to 4pm with only half an hour break at 12.30pm. Though I was usually exhausted and tired after work, but it gave me a sense of responsibility and commitment to my life. I think I have found what I have been searching for all these years.

Now, I am in the process to achieve my goal. I am more sensible. But I am still lazy at times. Still, my parents do not say anything about me. But I know that they are really proud of me. They are just those traditional type of old people who do not know how to express their love to their children. My family is the main reason for me to carry on with my study though it is really a torture and tough task at times. Dad and Mom are already in their 50s. Both my brothers are not good in study. They are quite disappointed to the two boys. They place their hope on me. They have no academic qualification to help me in my study. But now I can feel their support to me. Maybe it is a bit too late for me to realise this. But I am glad that I have finally grown up mentally. Maybe it is going to be very tough for me, but I will try my best.

I felt bad when I cannot do well in study. His encouragement makes me feel that I am a useful person. He is always so confident in me. Now JJ also say that I am a great person. Am I? But I know that every person has his or her good points. I should recognise my good points and make good use of them.

Life is a continuous process of learning. We experienced many things in our life and we learned from our experiences. I should cherish what I have, and try my best to achieve my ambition. It is my responsibility, it is also my parents' wish on me. I cannot disappoint them. I know that I am able to do it well.