Cruelty of life

A friend asked me whether I truly want to be a teacher or not. Is it what I really want to do...

Well, I also have no idea about this. Why will I choose to do this education course? Maybe it's partly because I'm quite interested in it. But I will have to say that it is mainly because this is going to provide me a stable and income-guaranteed job. I'm so sorry to admit that it doesn't have much related to my so-called "ambition" or "dream". I'm not that noble. I choose this working line just simply because this is the only way I can afford, and it can guarantee my future.

He asked me whether I will work for money or for dream. Huh? Dream?! I have long forgotten about my dream. I do not have a dream. I have stopped think about it ever since I know that I need to do something which is more realistic in helping my family. For me, the so-called "dream" is only for those who do not have family burden. So I do not have the right to pursue my dream. I should be more realistic. He is so surprised knowing that I have family burden. Because he said that he cannot see that.

Well, I'll have to say that maybe I'm just too good in putting on a happy face. Until nobody ever realised how complicated and pessimistic my thought could be. I'm a weird person with double-character. I never show my sad face to my friends or even my family. I will never want anybody to know about what I really feel. I know that I'm strange, but I really scared to let people know about my real thought. No special reasons, just some feeling of insecure.

He told me that he realises the cruelty of life when he started to work. Ya... Reality is cruel. I wonder since when I realised this truth of life. Maybe it is not true for some people. But for me, I'll have to say so as I really have experienced the cruelty of life.

Everything is about money. I started to earn money with my own ability since I was still in primary school. I helped my aunt to sew something using sewing-machine for some extra pocket money. When I have to do a project for Living Skills regarding sewing in secondary school, my friends were so surprised with my familiarity in using a sewing machine. It is not because my mum was a tailor, but just simply because I started to use it since I was 10.

Secondary school life is not so easy for me. Dad met with an accident when I was in Form 2. Operation needs money. And he could not work for quite a long time after that. Financial problem is even more critical then. I realised the cruelty of life since then. Everything is about money. If you don't have money, the so-called "relatives" will not help you even though they have the ability to help. Sad to say that I do have that kind of "relatives". Everything can be discussed when you have the money, but if you come for me for financial assistance, sorry there is nothing to talk about. My mum have to sell or pawn whatever she could. Then lent some money from her boss and my dad's boss. A friend in need is a friend indeed. You will know who is truly good to you when you are in trouble. Those who don't have any close relation to you are sometimes even more helpful than your own siblings. I must thank them for their generosity. Luckily, dad is okay after that. But then everything has changed. There were many things to do to repay the debts.

School holiday is my best chance to earn money. Actually I don't really like holiday. Because it is not going to be a chance for me to rest or relax. I have many other things to do. No car, no family outings, no travel. It is my responsibility in contribute a little bit to my family. I tried to be sensible, as I have to be sensible. I tell no friends about all these. Because there is nothing they can do for me. And yes, I'm inferior in front of them.

It is not a happy experience for me. Those who do not understand will say that I'm a money-sucker as I work for money whenever I could. I have to give up some school activities and sacrifice my time with my friends. I acted as if I don't like those activities. But in fact, who will know the main reason for all these?

I once think about quit schooling when I was in F6. Because I wasn't sure about my future and what I can do after F6. Everyone knows what to do for their future. They have plans about further studies. I wasn't sure with how far I could go. I did not dare to have any plan as I'm afraid that the higher my expectation is, the greater my disappoinment will be. That kind of feeling is scaring and made me lost the courage to face myself. My parents told me it is okay to do what I want. Even if I want to quit, I can at least finish the two years of F6 since it's still in their ability to support me for that two years. After that if still in their ability, I can continue with studies or we shall see then. F6 life is busy. All my classmates were busy with books and tuition classes. I was busy with my studies and my part time job. My STPM results is a disappoinment. Ya, I did not pay much effort in it. It is not that I did not want to, but I did not have the time and, working is tiring... That was the time I skipped school days almost once a week. People think that I'm not taking my studies seriously. But in fact, it's because that I have no choice.

Anyway, I'm able to get into UM and this is where I am now. Still working to earn money whenever I could. Will be graduate in a year or two. The profession of teaching will bring me stable income, a way to improve my family financial condition. My parents are aging, and they are still working now. There is nothing much my two younger brothers can do as they never like study. It will be contented for my parents if the two boys can get themselves a proper job. My parents put their hope on me. Ya, this is stressful for me. But I know that it is my responsibility. I'm the eldest and I'm their hope. I have to do my best.

This is a long post, on the last day of 2005. A reflection for my life when I'm 23. 2006 is coming. I'm hoping that everything will go smooth. Mum and dad will be in good health. My brothers will behave themselves and be more sensible. I can maintain my performance in studies.

Simple wish for 2006. Happy new year~~~