the meaning of my existance

Had bad sleep last night. My alarm woke me up at 6.30am as scheduled, but I did not even remember that I got wake up to switch it off. It was 7.41am when I was awakened by phone. My friends were waiting for me impatiently downstairs. I told them to go first, while I used the shortest time to get ready to go to the 8am class.

Was told by the lecturer that we are all nothing but just junkies, also knowledge addicts who are waiting to be fed with spoonful and spoonful of knowledge. I am really tired with all of his rubbish talking. And I am really in foul mood. I stared at him during the whole class. He tried to shoot me with his damn meaningless questions. But I replied him, with some rubbish answer which match his rubbish question just so well.

I had the desire to reprimand him. But I know that it won't do me anything good by arguing with my lecturer. So I made the wise decision to just stare at him and ignore all of his nonsense. Wednesday morning is like hell, since the day I started to attend his class every Wednesday morning.

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I still feel the heavy load of stress. It is like having something squeezing in my heart, punching on my chest, blocking on my breathe, and making me feel so uncomfortable, uneasy and unable to do anything well.

I am tired of putting on a smiling face, even though when I am feeling so down deep inside my heart. Can anyone tell me a way to be my very true self, regardless of how other people think of me? I really cannot ignore all of the perceptions from others about me. I really have no idea of how can they come out with all those PERCEPTIONS.

I thought I am an optimist, but it seems like I am not. I tend to have more negative feelings at most of the time. But I left an impression of "cheerful and happy-go-lucky" to the people around me. That is really a contradiction. I am really exhausted of acting like "I AM HAPPY". And when I tried to talk to others about what is troubling me, they gave me the reply like "Huh? You also feel stressed? Don't bluff me la.." or "You are just making a mountain over a molehill.." or "You really so weird la today..."

I have had enough of it. I have my own feelings too. I do not tell people about me, but it does not mean that I have no troubles at all. I do not take in mind with all of your offensive jokes, but it does not mean that I don't get offended at all. I do not get angry when people misunderstood my intention of doing something, but it does not mean that I am not hurt or I never take them in mind. I do not show you a sad face, it does not mean that I am always up in cloud nine.

I am also a human being. I will feel sad, I will feel hurt, I will feel offended and I will feel just like how other people feel too! Why always put all of the negative label on me when some people tell you something which is totally incorrect about me? I am very clear in my mind of the limit of what to do and also what not to do. I am not a silly brainless idiot. If I can show my trust to the people around me, why can't some people treat me back at a same equal way? Is that my friendship doesn't worth anything to them?

I have the feel of losing my true identity all of sudden. I really missed the time when I was still a young kid where there was no so much troubles or hassles. If these are the price that I have to pay for growing up, can I choose to stay as a kid forever?

Growing up should be something great, as we can do more and more things when we have grown up. But how come I feel that it seems like there are more pains and obstacles in my life instead of the "happiness" that I expected? Who can I turn to when I am feeling so lost?

Suddenly I think that I am kinda useless. Maybe my existance is just insignificant at all to the people around me. What is the meaning of me being on this world? What is my role or importance to the people around me? If I disappear from their sight, will someone really concern about it?